nadz0r: (Default)
Back from Perth yesterday...pretty tough week on everyone. I've never been to the funeral of someone who is really close to you before. I'm too tired to write about it properly or think about it - but while it's sad and I miss my Mah-Mah a lot (and haven't really gotten used to the idea that I won't see her again in this life), she wasn't having the best time when she left us. I just try to think that she wouldn't want us to be sad but to remember the good things. I gave the eulogy at her funeral which I was so scared about losing my composure at - but I asked her to give me the strength to only remember the good things and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to hold it together. I didn't get to tell the really great stories though, like when she told me 'Mah Mah say, how you say in English - FUCK YOUR MUM, not bad English at all lah'. Ahahahaha, what a legend.

We also went to the casino in her honour and her number came up 3 times on the roulette wheel. We left her chips/Burswood card in her purse when we buried her, so we know where she is. Not bad, we made $400 out of $20! The numbers that came up were her birthday (13) - TWICE in a row and the date of her birth (17). Cue the Twilight Zone music...

All I can say is that to those of you who still have your grandparents, call and see them as much as you can now...I tried to call mine as much as I could and it's nice that when they do go that you don't have any regrets about not having made the effort. Don't leave it too late!

I really feel for my gramps though...60 years (almost) of marriage and now he's all on his own. I don't know what I would do without my Juanzo and it hasn't even been 4 years!! I mean, he'll get a carer 3 times a week and my mum will see him for dinner most nights...But still, breakfast on your own, lunch on your own, sleeping on your own...He hasn't touched any of her stuff and wants to leave it all there (like her reading glasses by the TV and all her stuff in her bathroom) and he says he still feels my gran sleeping beside him - which is really sweet but utterly heart breaking at the same time.

...

In the more mundane, I've pretty much had 2 weeks off for training due to having some virus and then having to go to Perth this week. I also took 2 weeks off from eating properly and in Perth it was a white bread, buttery pineapple tart, eating out disaster fest. I did Body Attack today and wearing my favourite Nike workout outfit couldn't even help this jiggly puff. PSFG has had a serious set back (I'm hoping some brutal arms sessions will get them back and mean that months of effort hasn't disappeared totally) and as for PCTA...I'd mentally committed to doing it, but now I'm going to have to do a bit more leaning before it can happen.

I was so lost for food today because our house has no fruit or veg in it...I had to buy lunch and not have tubs of snacks with me. It was quite upsetting. I had great plans to hop straight back onto the fitness/diet bandwagon but no food in house + late night at work = average diet + 1 body attack class today. Tomorrow I have lunch at Bambini Trust and then after that NO MORE BETS *does the roulette table action* PSFG/PCTA is recommencing!! I'm even thinking of seeing if I can cut my cals back to 1800...I dunno, my dietitian told me I was allowed a cool 2000 a day and I shoould still strip fat.

While in Perth, I also had a bit of a splurge and bought a Cohen Et Sabine matt silver mini sequin v-neck dress (it's pretty outrageous - human mirror ball or bream, I'm not sure which), a Cohen Et Sabine matt black sequin top with crochet detail and a Won Hundred (Danish brand) black dress with crazy twist detail. I really want some outrageous heels to go with them, but not quite sure where to get them from and more importantly, can I really be bothered with heels?? If a totally sequinned dress doesn't inspire me to keep flogging my ass at the gym with Cardio Coach and PSFG - WHAT WILL?

Thinking of ordering my kettlebell for Monday...exciting!! :)
nadz0r: (Default)
I haven't known how to say this all day - but this thing documents all the most important things in my life. And there probably aren't more important people in my life than my gran. At 5am this morning, I got the phonecall from my mum. My grandma (or mah-mah) passed away in the early hours this morning. She hasn't been well for ages. Last night, she was gasping for air (she's been very breathless), all of my aunts, my mum, my dad and the pastor went over. Before they left, my dad gave her some morphine (to help her get some rest) and she didn't make it to morning.

My mum couldn't say much (obviously) and didn't want to call my sister (she just got home from overseas last night) in case she was asleep/affected from travelling. I got out of bed and shook my sis awake and told her the bad news. Gave her a hug and held it together. Went back to my room and I'm so sick, J's away and in the early hours this morning I just cried my eyes out and because of how sick I am, I couldn't breathe and quite possibly felt the worst I've felt forever.

The only thing that gives me comfort is that now I know that Mah-Mah's up in heaven, gambling up a storm at the Heaven's Roulette Table and eating all the food we haven't let her eat forever (roast duck, kiam neng/salted egg, chai poh/salted pickled vegetable) and is probably happier than she's been for a long time.

She had her birthday on Monday, which was the last time I spoke to her. I sent her a giant bunch of colourful flowers on behalf of my sis, myself and J. I was hoping that she'd make it til August, when J + I were going to visit her. But I think deep down inside, she was tired, she'd lived her life and she knew her time was done. I think she really held on for her birthday to celebrate with her daughters and sometimes, there's only so much you can do or want to do.

I know she's at peace.

We'll always miss her, but we'll always know her. Mah-mah was too much of an interferer to leave us totally alone (and that's why we loved her) - so I'm sure we'll always feel her around, just making sure we do things the way she'd want.

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nadz0r

March 2011

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