nadz0r: (Default)
[personal profile] nadz0r
I haven't known how to say this all day - but this thing documents all the most important things in my life. And there probably aren't more important people in my life than my gran. At 5am this morning, I got the phonecall from my mum. My grandma (or mah-mah) passed away in the early hours this morning. She hasn't been well for ages. Last night, she was gasping for air (she's been very breathless), all of my aunts, my mum, my dad and the pastor went over. Before they left, my dad gave her some morphine (to help her get some rest) and she didn't make it to morning.

My mum couldn't say much (obviously) and didn't want to call my sister (she just got home from overseas last night) in case she was asleep/affected from travelling. I got out of bed and shook my sis awake and told her the bad news. Gave her a hug and held it together. Went back to my room and I'm so sick, J's away and in the early hours this morning I just cried my eyes out and because of how sick I am, I couldn't breathe and quite possibly felt the worst I've felt forever.

The only thing that gives me comfort is that now I know that Mah-Mah's up in heaven, gambling up a storm at the Heaven's Roulette Table and eating all the food we haven't let her eat forever (roast duck, kiam neng/salted egg, chai poh/salted pickled vegetable) and is probably happier than she's been for a long time.

She had her birthday on Monday, which was the last time I spoke to her. I sent her a giant bunch of colourful flowers on behalf of my sis, myself and J. I was hoping that she'd make it til August, when J + I were going to visit her. But I think deep down inside, she was tired, she'd lived her life and she knew her time was done. I think she really held on for her birthday to celebrate with her daughters and sometimes, there's only so much you can do or want to do.

I know she's at peace.

We'll always miss her, but we'll always know her. Mah-mah was too much of an interferer to leave us totally alone (and that's why we loved her) - so I'm sure we'll always feel her around, just making sure we do things the way she'd want.

on 2009-07-17 08:19 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] penelly.livejournal.com
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mah-mah. You wrote about her quite a bit in here so I can tell she had a big impact on you and that she was well loved.

Get better soon. It sucks having to deal with stuff like this when you're under-the-weather already. [big hugs]

on 2009-07-17 08:30 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] nadz0r.livejournal.com
thanks pen...she was definitely a character and well loved by all of us. the sick ontop of all of this is just doing my head in - cause you feel terrible everywhere - head, heart, body.

she wasn't having a great time in the last month and she was getting more and more confused when i talked to her on the phone. sure, she could have hung on longer maybe - but she was never going to recover and life was just getting tougher. just sad for my gramps and my mum/aunts.

but you only miss the good things in life don't you? :)

x

on 2009-07-17 08:50 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] lunaminor.livejournal.com
i like the sentiment of you only miss the good things.

i'm so sorry to hear that she has passed, i always loved your stories about her. i'm glad you have your sister with you too, i hope you guys are doing ok.

on 2009-07-17 08:55 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] nadz0r.livejournal.com
yeah, she was the best - my favourite all time mah-mah quote 'Mah mah say, how you say in english, FUCK YOUR MUM, not bad English at all lah'. She was gold.

really glad my sis was home - it would have been terrible to tell her the news when she was overseas.

i used to get really upset at missing the people, but it's that sentiment that helps me deal with it. if you didn't miss someone that you loved, it'd be just plain weird. thanks for your thoughts - we will go back to perth on Thursday and that will be a lot harder, because my mum will be so upset :(

x

on 2009-07-17 09:23 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] spookylolly.livejournal.com
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this! :(

I really don't know what to say... I feel sad for you and I am so sorry J can't be there to hold you.

I dread the day my nan goes. I've been sending her mail/postcards the entire time I've been travelling to help remind her that I'm away and thinking about her and not just absent because I don't care. I know for some people grandparents aren't a big deal, but for those of us who have grown up being close to them, it's just heartbreaking losing them. It's like a part of the foundation of your life suddenly goes missing.

What are the funeral plans? Is there anything I can do to help?

on 2009-07-17 09:34 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] nadz0r.livejournal.com
it's sad...but she had no more quality of life - so in that sense, she's in a better place now.

good on you for taking care of your nan. they love it when they hear from us. i tried to call my mah-mah a lot since i got back from perth and it was hard cause i'd be at work or she'd be asleep. especially hard in the last few weeks where she didn't understand what i was saying on the phone.

thanks for the offer of help - but my mum has it all under control. will be held on Thursday - haven't booked flights yet. just wish i felt better physically so I wasn't feel awful everywhere :( :(

xx

on 2009-07-17 12:19 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] m45k.livejournal.com
Sorry to hear of your loss.

Let her eat forever roast duck, kiam neng and chai poh!

on 2009-07-17 10:32 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] dorukai.livejournal.com
*hugs*

on 2009-07-17 12:52 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] talluleh.livejournal.com
I'm so sorry for your loss :(

on 2009-07-18 11:21 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] jennywindow.livejournal.com
Big hugs for you. Hopefully your head, heart and body have already started the healing process. xx

on 2009-07-20 12:01 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] nadz0r.livejournal.com
aw thanks - think it will hit me when i get back to perth and see my mum/aunts :(

on 2009-07-18 11:51 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] smelsworst.livejournal.com
ahh.. thoughts are with you nadz.

on 2009-07-18 07:15 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] bellaunbound.livejournal.com
I am so sorry for her passing.

I will say a prayer for her today, to celebrate her peace. And for you, that you may find peace.

Thinking of you....

on 2009-07-20 12:01 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] nadz0r.livejournal.com
thank you x

on 2009-07-19 08:57 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] suzysiu.livejournal.com
I'm really sorry for you losing your grandma. Hard to be sick when this happened, but good that you had your sister, I miss my grandparents.

on 2009-07-20 12:01 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] nadz0r.livejournal.com
yeah, she was fricken awesome. she's not sufferingg anymore though and that's what i think about. x

on 2009-07-19 01:20 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] miss-foxy.livejournal.com
i'm so sorry nadia. my condolences to you and your family. it's good you can see the positives in this, and you got to know your grandma so well.

on 2009-07-20 12:02 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] nadz0r.livejournal.com
i know - so sad for people who don't really know their grandparents :) x

on 2009-07-22 02:28 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] cherrytea.livejournal.com
*hugs, nads*
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